You will probably be able to relate to the subject of this post, on some level, if you’re a parent. Even though, as an educator with specialty in the youngest years, I was not prepared for how helpless and hapless I was going to feel.
My eldest son has always amazed me with his displays of empathy and kindness from the very beginning. I remember, distinctly, when I’d play with him and, with no hesitation or prompting, he’d share. That evolved into a system where he will figure out how to trade one toy for another. Again, something of his own doing, no explicit instruction or modeling on our part. He stunned a whole room, and drew out gasps of awe, when he sought to comfort his, noticeably upset, cousin [ after his cousin had taken his toy, and Desi had it returned to him by another]. He notices sad faces and immediately seeks to elicit “happy!” as he’d insist.
When we brought home his brother, he was so curious. He constantly asked to hold him, and kiss the top of his head. Rocking his brother gently made him so proud. Slowly, however, he has begun to lash out. Things will be fine, he’ll be kissing his brother’s head repeatedly, then all of a sudden he punches him in the stomach. Where he used to love bringing his brother things [and sometimes still does], now he throws things onto him.
I’ve actually noticed a slight apprehension in myself when I’m bringing both boys to hang out in the room together; am I getting Desizilla or my Desi muffin? One will screech and tear through the room, looking with flying fists and feet - while the other requests hugs, reads books with me, and wants to kiss his brother‘s head.
I’ve actually noticed a slight apprehension in myself when I’m bringing both boys to hang out in the room together; am I getting Desizilla or my Desi muffin? One will screech and tear through the room, looking with flying fists and feet - while the other requests hugs, reads books with me, and wants to kiss his brother.
In light of this, I’ve gone on a search. As any mother worth their salt would, I set out to research the best way to approach this idea. So many suggested that I just distract him from what he was feeling - toddlers have notoriously short attention spans, why not use it to our advantage? That didn’t sit well with me. I want my boys to grow up with a healthy understanding of who they are, what they’re feeling, and why. It’s my goal to raise my sons to be more emotionally literate than either their father or I can claim to be.
On my search I found Janet Landsbury’s book, No Bad Kids: Toddler Discipline Wthout Shame. As the title would suggest, its a book full of advice on how to deal with common toddler behaviors. Overall it encourages families to embrace feelings - especially those big ones most of us get uncomfortable with. Let me assure you, this sounds easier than it is. There’s a reason why you’re uncomfortable with certain feelings, it’s a learned discomfort.
Most likely, in your life, someone [knowingly or not] rushed you through a feeling, shamed you for crying, or scolded you for anger. Something I am just now [at nearly 36] working on internalizing is the idea that every feeling is valid, it’s how you react to those feelings that really matters. This is a lesson I want my children to understand from the very beginning, I don’t want them to be in their mid-thirties dissecting their own feelings and second guessing themselves. If they’re angry, I want them to understand a) it’s okay to be angry, b) why are they angry - the root cause, c) constructive, productive, positive ways to address and express those feelings.
In her book, Janet Landsbury approaches children’s behavior in a way that I feel will honor their feelings, as well as provide them the structure they need in order to feel safe and thrive. It does, however, ask a lot of myself. I am having to relearn how to react to ‘ugly’ emotions, how to remain calm, and how to set boundaries in a way that is both concrete and equitable. So, even when Desmond smacks me in the face with a toy, I have to remember to remain calm and react in a way that won’t shame him, or encourage him to continue the behavior. The key to any reaction I give has to be that I 1) am clear about what I expect, including which behaviors aren’t acceptable, but highlighting what is an acceptable alternative, 2) notice, out loud, what feelings he may be experiencing - in order to help him understand it, as well as showing that I am not being critical of that emotion
I haven’t finished thee book yet, and I am certain this will be a huge learning curve, but I am dedicated to getting this right. I’ll keep you posted on new findings and my progress.
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