As I sit here, trying to start something for my own mental well-being, I also rock my youngest. I am now a mother of two. While this is the dream that I’ve always had, it couldn’t be under any stranger circumstances.
Initially, when I was a child, I wanted to be a stay at home mom - just like my hero, my mother. After the birth of my first son, in the summer of 2018, I discovered that being a stay at home mom is hard, really hard, and I only had one child at the time, and stayed home for only the 12 week FMLA allowance.
You see, I love being a teacher. It was always my chosen career, always the one thing I felt I came to naturally. Having been away from my job, I found myself longing for my classroom, my babies [students], adult conversations and laughs with my peers, and having a goal in my day.
Structure is important for me, a hard learned lesson for me. Staying at home really effected my mental health. A job forces me to go out and interact in the world, in a relatively safe environment. It got me past long held anxieties that otherwise keep my introverted self at home. It gave me people to talk to, laugh with, and learn from.
Now, fast forward. It’s 2020, the year of the unbelievable. To start the year my mother passed away. A couple months later I welcomed my second son, only to me thrown into a pandemic of epic proportions. Then, the president further shows his ineptitude and dangerous narcissism to announce he’d call the army in to function against the people of the United States. Protesters scare the Cheeto in charge, they know they’re being ignored, systematically oppressed, and that change will only come if we amplify each others voices. He can’t handle it.
So, to recap, I am motherless, postpartum, sanitizing the shit out of everything and hiding from germs in the safety of my home. The world outside is burning with the rightful anger of oppressed black lives, and their allies, and our democracy is crumbling. It seems like the perfect time to shake up my normal even more, by withdrawing from the one thing that kept my mental health from teetering over the edge - the workforce.
With the threat of covid-19 still looming over us, and the fortunate position I am in to be able to afford staying home, it seems like the most logical move. Felix, my youngest, suffers from respiratory distress, for an unknown reason. Pulmonologist met with him, saying his lungs are clear and his O2 stats are great. We now wait to see if a pediatric ENT can find the culprit, if not - more specialists until we find the cause. While children seem to be less effected by the covid bug, infants do seem to fair worse. I am not willing to subject my son to daycare, and the possibility of adverse effects.
Here we are, now, with me coming to terms with the world around us, and finally having made a choice. I emailed my principal, preemptively, so she knew it was coming. I’ve written my letter of resignation to the superintendent and HR. Now all that remains is to hear about what I need to do next, and when I can clear my personal belongings from my room.
The purpose of this blog is for my mental processing, recording events to remember, collections good ideas [and bad], and chronicling any advice I might have. If no one reads the blog, that’s fine, but if you find yourself reading it, I hope you enjoy/ can relate/ benefit somehow.
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